Been having some severe ups and downs recently. I can't decide whether they're the results of rampaging hormones or miscellaneous events happening one after the other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

May 6th, 09

This morning in class the lecturer covered Abusive Relationships, in particular the batterer/abuser. It was a hard class.

Everything seemed to emphasize the fear of having an intimate relationship with someone. Too many chances to screw someone over, too many chances to be screwed. At every turn there seems to be something that rebuffs the chances of being in an abusive relationship, and god, I'm just too frightened to even consider it. To choose isolation seems like the easy way out, but it isn't. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation. To seek intimacy and risk being in a shitty relationship or to live a solitary life which is its own misery.

Sometimes, I wish I could simply go to a matchmaker and hope for someone else to look for me; but that seems to indicate procreation as an end, and that's just not an option at this point in time. In the end, I think all I can hope for are a few close friends and plenty of cuddling animals to help fill the void. At any rate, even if a human relationship is viable, I doubt it would happen. There simply isn't anyone around that's intrested in such an arrangement.



On top of that, I might not be able to make the cut of becoming a TA for her class if my finals and last assignment paper doesn't pull through well enough. Which would leave me with writing a ten paper essay for my practicuum or three semesters of practicuum with 1 unit per semester. Shit.
~~~~~~

May 5th, 09

I feel inadequate.

It's like the rest of the world knows what it wants to do with itself, knows what it has going for it while I'm stagnant, a little pebble by the side of a stream waiting to either be picked up or be worn down into nothing. I'm not remarkably bright, nor am I particularly interested in pursuing something in particular. I don't draw well enough (perhaps, it's more that I do not have the patience for it) to consider a career in art or animation, and I don't write well enough to bother with that line of work either. I'm dull, I'm odd and I'm anti-social.

I don't even know how to pronounce my Chinese name much less write it properly.

So here I am, having a pity party for myself because as far as I can see, I have gaps in my past and no known future. I wonder, will I simply float through life simply existing? I'm not even bothered with philosophy enough to ponder existentialism.

Is it wrong to be normal? Is it wrong to be dull? I certainly seem to think that way and it strikes me as something of a crime when I consider it to everyone else. How I wish for a simple life where all I have to worry about is Maslow's bottom two tiers; life would be straightforward that way. To eck out a living simply to survive enough for the next day.

On the other hand, why bother with that either?