A Night Out

"Why won't you go out with me?"

Janette lifted a brow in accordance with the laws of answering stupid questions before saying, with great solemnity, "We are currently out together. Now. At a restaurant." She punctuated her point by taking a firm bite out of her burger.

"Yes, but as friends. Nothing else," he replied forlornly.

"John, we are friends. What did you expect? Cousins?" she said, barely containing her urge to roll her eyes at the absurdity of the conversation. Really, you'd think the talk of monthly flowers and bra sizes would have put him off the whole relationship business with her. Some people were just so dense.

"I know we're friends. But what about going out for dinner where I pay for the meal and we can catch a movie after?" he said earnestly.

"This is dinner, you did pay for the meal and you know how much I hate the rubbish they're showing in the cinemas these days," Janette replied, resolutely skirting away from the issue.

"...You're deliberately being obtuse, aren't you?" John asked suspiciously.

"Obtuse? What do you mean?" she asked back, her face a picture of innocence as she took another bite of her burger while staring at him with large, unblinking eyes.

"I mean that I want to take you out on a date!"

"...oh," she said. Swallowing hastily, her mind running a mile a minute to find a way to get out of this mess, Janette said sweetly, "I can't go out with you Johnny."

"Why?" he asked, his voice surprisingly calm.

"Well... because--" she eyed his half eaten burger and his trim figure while chomping down on her own meal "--you're thin!" She inwardly winced at the stupidity that had just been blurted out in haste. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. What would her English teacher aunt have to say if she were to see her usually well-spoken niece now.

"I'm thin?" John repeated incredulously.

"Yes," she managed to say with utmost solemnity. "I can't go out with you because you're thin."

"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked, voice rising drastically. "Unless... do you have a thing for fat guys?" Thankfully, he asked the last part in a softer tone.

"No! It's just... I can't go out with someone who's slimmer than me. It'd look ridiculously like that horrid picture of the thin farmer with his fat wife that Mr. Bordon insists on keeping in his office," she said calmly, falling back on her natural ability to flow with the ridiculous and inwardly apologising to her old headmaster.

"You can't... That's ridiculous!" Taking in a deep breath, John asked in a more composed fashion, "Is that the only reason you won't go out with me?"

"Joooohn, I've already said we are out. Please, phrase your questions more clearly next time. And no, that isn't the only thing," Janette answered, her schoolmarm voice in place and hopefully putting him off the whole business.

"Well?" he asked when it became apparent that she wasn't going to continue. "Elaborate, please, on what else my person is lacking that so puts you off me."

"Now, John, there's no need to take that tone with me. If I were really off you, I wouldn't be friends with you," she said chidingly. "Well, it's also your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?" he asked, clutching at his well maintained locks in defense.

"It's pretty."

"Pretty? My hair is not pretty! Well maintained and silky and soft, yes, but not pretty." He looked rather like a miffed child trying hard not to pout.

Sighing, Janette was reminded yet again why she steered clear of relationships--they were ultimately far too messy and bothersome to keep up with when it involved beings that were eternally still part child on the inside. Shrugging to herself nonchalantly, she said, "Maybe not pretty, but certainly nice."

"And you don't like men with nice hair?"

"I can't very well have a lover with nicer hair than me, John," she said calmly, as though she were talking about the weather. "How could I trust a man with nicer hair than me?"

"What?!"

"Now, I think we should put this behind us John."

"But--"

"It's really quite silly, don't you think?"

"Yes, but--"

"No, no. We'll end this now and forget it ever happened. Now, be a dear and get me some chocolate ice-cream, please," Janette said.

"Uh, right," came the confused reply before John walked off in search of the requested dessert.

Saying a silent prayer to the ceiling, Janette thanked the deities that she had been friends with Julie long enough to learn a few tactical speech maneuvering. Of course, Julie was currently shackled to Rob and was seemingly quite happy together, but her lessons from ten years ago were still fresh on her mind.

Sighing, Janette finished up the last of her fries and waited. And to think, it wasn't even ten yet.