Insecurities

We all have them -- insecurities. We feel self conscious and worthless in some way or another. We feel as though we could be better or we feel consumed by emotions that bring no good. We compare ourselves to others and try so hard to please others by changing ourselves.

Strange that I should find that most of the vain ones are the ones who don't seem to give a twit about their appearance. They secretly mull over their appearance yet keep a conservative front. They don't dip themselves in baubles or diamonds but they certainly are aware of wealth. Huh... strange book cover that.

I suppose I'm somewhat improved compared to what I was like when I was younger. Being around people who criticised 24-7 is apparently very inhibiting towards a person's self confidence. Who knew!

I hunched like there was no tomorrow when I was eleven going on twelve. I had just started going through...phases and I wasn't all that comfortable with them. Of course, being around peers that couldn't hold a serious wit about them even if the world were about to end didn't help much. Little prats... I suppose hunching is just ingrained into my being now. I still do hunch.

As for looking people in the eye. Yea... still feel uncomfortable doing that. It's just too vulnerable a position. Mayhaps if the person were far a yonder -- say three feet away and squints, even better if the person wears glasses -- I would stare the devil down.

I still have issues about personal space. Can't bear having a person up close to me face-to-face unless there's a minimum of two feet between us. If they're shorter than me, that's even better! I still get tunnel vision in crowded areas; think pasar malam where there are people at every possible angle except for up and down. Ugh...

As for my feet size: It took me three years, a number of comfortable leather shoes that I love and resignation to come to the point where I'm not too embarrassed when going shoe shopping. It's just such a pain otherwise. Walk into a shop and my mother points out to me the "feminine shoes". You know, the ones made for torture with pointed ends and a really narrow cut. The ones that give blisters to everyone and is absolutely appalling to someone who has wide feet, such as me. I swear upon all the fashion deities out there, those shoes are nice to see but damn! Whoever coined to phrase "no pain, no gain" had to have something to do with the production of such shoes! And then there's the problem of sizes. I have wide feet. I can comfortably fit into a size seven shoe if you give me a nice cut -- wide and spacious that does NOT try to kill off the limbs by cutting off blood circulation to the feet! Try to fit me in those monstrosities and you'll be happy to know that either they are too painful to bear, or (and in the majority of cases) they don't have a size big enough for accommodate my feet. Frankly, I'm damned relieved about not having to suffer those things, but it's damn embarrassing having the shopkeepers give me that look and my mother whine on and on and on about how I should try on the shoes even though I honestly know that I can't wear the damn crabs. Seriously! You'd think half my childhood of going through such an affliction would have given me some insight as to my own bleeding shoe size!

And then there's the problem of undergarments. [Note: Guys, if this embarrasses you, look away NOW.] Anyone who lives in bleeding Malaysia and has a rather...endowed chest but is NOT entirely fat (yes, I could stand to lose a few stones, even my mother says so, but I'm quite certain I'm not labelled as obese just yet) knows the horror of trying to find a good bra. Damn the lingerie shops in Malaysia and their "we go for the general sizes of women" crap! It's impossible to find anything in Malaysia with a decent cup size that actually fits the rib size as well. Go overseas and all is well. Come to Malaysia and choke down some Prozacs if you want to keep your sanity through the whole ordeal.

Then there's the thing about the latest fashion restrictions. Notice that a lot of blouses out there are made of material that hug and expose a lot of the curves. Note that all the damn dames out there wearing the particular cut do NOT look like someone stuffed grapefruits into their bras. Blast and fudge! My mother tries shoving "those cute blouses" at me all the time and I have to humour her by trying them on and SHOWING her that is doesn't suit me to get her off my back. Much like the shoes really. Crab sticks and fuzzy dice! You'd think I'd be more aware as to what I can and cannot wear by now. Thank goodness for Marks & Spencer in 1 Utama though. They have something that the opposite of the ever famous push-up bras. No! Not the sagging-bras. Ugh... More like Minimisers. *nod nod* Lovely contraptions those.

Wonder of wonders though. Today, I found a pair of shoes that my mother christened "absolutely gorgeous!" They actually fit. And, they aren't blistering. Great Dominus! Thank you for getting me a pair of shoes that satisfies my mother for once. ... Now, all I'll have to do is steer her away from any and all shoe shops lest she tries to inflict those horrors upon me now that she knows there are actually shoes out there that can fit my clown-sized feet. Deus, give me strength! Where's a bleedin' Yoda when you need him and 'the force'?!